CABRASH

I’m getting rid of all my carpets. All of them. Putting hardwood in. You’re sure that’ll help with your allergy issues? Yeah. At least according to these articles I’ve been reading by the Mayo Clinic. Ah. … I’m pretty sure those guys are just shills for the Hellmann’s company. Uh, I don’t think they’re associated with Hellmann’s. Oh, come on now.… Read more →

What were you doing just standing there? The little guy on the walk sign was white; I was waiting for the little black guy. There are no little black guys. They’re all white. Okay. I see. It’s like we’re already living in Trump’s America. Read more →

What did you go out for? Pears soap. Ah. … Sure, you’re my friend and all, but do we have to share everything? Read more →

I gather, from the lyrics, that the man is having a stroke. Still, he just keeps singing. It’s really quite something. Read more →

I was at that Brooks Brothers place. None of those sneakers I like. Not one. Read more →

You know what I could go for? A warm, fluffy bed of rice, blanketed in slices of juicy pork tenderloin, sprinkled with a sweet, smoky sauce. My friend… you are into some weird, kinky stuff. Read more →

I’ll never be real thin, I guess. I got my mom’s genes. Mmm-hmm. Explains the strange fit. Read more →

We’ll see what comes of it, but I’m betting that, ultimately, it will be fruitless. Like the Kyoto Accord. Ah. I always thought those were made by Honda. Read more →

Violent radical sects? I’m less interested now, but go on. Read more →

What happened to that cabinet you were going to build for Yana? I don’t know. I promised it for Christmas, but it’s not turning out so good, so my heart’s not really in it anymore. I can help you with that. Henny… go get me a knife. Read more →

What’d you get? Knitwear. Lots of knitwear. I see. You know, there are shampoos for that. Read more →

You know who I don’t see anymore? Minnie Driver. Yeah? I’ve got a bunch of old Micro Machines you can have. Cool. Read more →

You get it from cats. It’s called toxoplasmosis and it causes you to take all sorts of unnecessary risks. Live más? Not necessarily. Read more →

I have a nasal congestion. That’s all. That’s what I’ve been saying. You’re sick in the head. Stop telling people that. Please. No promises. Read more →

I’ve been doing a lot of push-ups lately. Is that really necessary? I guess that Victoria girl’s got to make her money. Read more →

Did you see her at the party? She’s kind of wild. Yeah. She’s a bit of a free spirit. Like those little bottles we got on our Lufthansa flight. Yup. Just like that. Read more →

Umm… where’s Ayana? You know that saying, right? No wife after Labor Day. No “white”. No “white” after Labor Day. You’re sure? Uh… yes? … I have done a terrible, terrible thing… Read more →

So… knitting… Yeah. Right now I’m working on an infinity scarf. Ah. … I imagine you’ll need a lot of yarn for that. Read more →

So… I’m going to write a tell-all book. I’ve known you since I was five. I married you. I know you have nothing to say. … Any book can be a tell-all book if you can convince everyone to read it. Read more →

I know you didn’t know anyone else there, but you didn’t have to spend the whole night hovering around me. Sorry. Transcendental meditation. Read more →

Gabby was alright, but her legs got scratched up pretty bad. He was shouting heel, but his dog just kept jumping up and clawing at her. Pretty poorly trained. Yeah. ‘Cause that’s, like, the opposite of heal. Read more →