CABRASH

She gave up pizza? … Why would she do that? For Lent. Ah. … So, then, she gets it back later, in, like, whatever condition. Not so bad. Read more →

If you had to choose a film to describe your previous relationships, would it be, “a”, Pret— X-Men: Apocalypse. That wasn’t one of th— X-Men: Apocalypse. Wait. Is that becau— X:Men: Apocalypse. Read more →

“X” marks the spot, right? I’ve left a trail of ’em across this state. No treasures. Believe me. Read more →

What you do tonight? While you were out? Read everything Amber Phillips wrote in the last week. Woah. I bought a pretty sophisticated multi-tool in, like, 2005. A green Leatherman. Technology sure has come a long way. Read more →

So then, “jammies” are guns? Mmm-hmm. Cool. I hope grandma’s making me a shotgun. Read more →

Pepper Potts. I think. Can you imagine walking around with the initials “pee-pee” all your life? How can that be the worst? What about Batman? That guy’s had it easy. He had rich parents. Read more →

Do I look fit? I used the dip machine for almost an hour today. No… but that sounds right. Read more →

So then, you pay twice as much and get access to about half as much music. They can peddle it as “buy one get one half off”. Only, it’s the same “one”. Read more →

How’d you get so good at pool? It doesn’t take a genius. From a scientific perspective, it’s nearly a closed system. Ah. So then, you’re not going to tell me? Read more →

Yeah. Okay. Whatever happened to Kevin anyway? Moved to California. He works for a non-profit now. No. He works for Twitter. Right. That’s what I just said. Read more →

The man was a legend. He’s, essentially, responsible for the emergence of that distinct Belgium flavor in America. Huh. I thought that was Diane Von Furstenberg. Read more →

They went ahead and printed a thousand copies, but they looked absolutely terrible. What y’all talkin’ ’bout? Anti-aliasing. Oh. Now, What y’all got ‘gainst that Jennifer Garner? Read more →

Terrible, terrible day. Fuck — everyone. … Tried that before. Never really works out. Read more →

It’s like the Oscars out here. Read more →

Who was the girl in the picture in your presentation? Nobody. I just downloaded the image off iStock. Ah. Never heard of it. … There’s some creepy, creepy apps out there. Read more →

I love Jack Black. Really great. Hmm… I mean, they have their place in a riot situation, but I can’t say I’m a fan. Read more →

How’d it happen? Sinkhole. He’s alright, but he’s not going to be able to go surfing with me in Pohnpei. The leg? Wow! Those garbage disposal units are fuckin’ nuts. Read more →

I heard you saw Blue Man Group. Yeah. Didn’t much care for the whole thing. Still… it’s certainly a novel way to increase awareness of argyria. Read more →

Really hurt myself on the calf machine last week. But you’re still alive? Yes? Well, yeah. I had a pretty mangled piece of veal yesterday, so I’d say you got off easy. Read more →

… … Umm… coffee pot? Really? I usually just put it in brownies. … Read more →

Marketing idea. Famous Rey’s Pizza. The wait times would be ridiculous, but that would be, like, our thing. Read more →