CABRASH

It’s Moon Unit Zappa’s birthday today. Should we sing “Valley Girl” in her honor? Sure. And get valley girl tans? Sure. And dye our hair blonde? Sure. And make lots of insipid comments? Sure. And obsess over our self-image. Sure. And parade about town spending daddy’s money? Sure. … (“Donald Trump” by Gage Skidmore is licensed under CC BY-SA 2.0. Cropped.) Read more →

People can be so callous and cold-blooded. Mmm. Did you ever see that TOS episode Arena? … Are those diamond earrings? Read more →

Who is he to question your patriotism? You’re both American as apple pie! Umm… apple pie is English or, maybe, Dutch. Huh. Then, this has all worked out well, hasn’t it? Read more →

I don’t care what she says; I’m going to continue saying “yarrr” instead of “arrr.” … Rest in peace, Tasha. Read more →

“Prepared” mustard. But when I turned it over to squeeze some onto my hotdog? Never showed up. Mmm. Mustard is also yellow. Read more →

Why is it, again, that we’re s’posed to be excited ‘bout a company replacin’ a perfectly good piece of technology with somethin’ more expensive, more complicated, and easier to lose? Courage. Courage? Yes. Courage is about knowing what not to fear. … Like ill-conceived marketing schemes. Read more →

Guess what I saw the attendant doing when I pulled into the gas station late last night? Which one? South Clinton Street. The self-service station? Don’t tell me. Let me guess… Read more →

I’m not really sure what’s wrong with it. CPU, maybe? Mmm. Maybe. … I do hold it right under my face, and it is ragweed season. Read more →

See? That’s god punishing you for your decisions. You’re the one who locked me out there. What did I just say? Read more →

I’m really into Helen Mirren now. But, instead, I tell folks that “I’m really into The Naked and Famous.” … They’re never disappointed when they find out what I actually meant. Read more →

I like all of them. Even that confusing episode starring Robert Brown. I’m a Roddenberry fan, I guess. Mmm. Fred too. Or, at least, I’m guessing from those tight pants he’s been wearing. Read more →

I guess the real question is, are we becoming a more insular society? Mmm. It’s fine. I’m not worried about it. I’ll just wear a little more sunscreen. Right… right. Read more →

“Drinker” was dude’s middle name. Not his nickname. Oh. Okay. Alright. Clearly I don’t have all my facts right. I’m not even going tell you what I thought “Bone Wars” was about. Read more →

This one’s older, but I bought another one at Forever 21 last week. You sure own a lot of bomber jackets. Mmm. If there’s one thing we ought to make well… Read more →

This whole “anchor baby” thing is terrible. Yeah. I know. The whole thing is ridiculous. … I mean, you could use almost anything… Read more →

You know what I mean. That moment when you wake up beside someone in bed and regret what you’ve done. But, you dated him for two years. Uh-huh. Read more →

All these games do is teach children that it’s fine to make animals fight each other for our personal gain and amusement. Uh-huh. I got all those kittens and laser pointers you wanted. Read more →

… … … Where is everybody and why am I dressed like this? … … LAZY — FUCKING — CARTOONISTS YOU WILL KNOW ME BY THE FRUITS OF MY LABOR Read more →

“Blackout curtains” for dudes who drink too much. Right? … … I don’t have a problem. You’re the one with the problem. Read more →

The internet is a black hole. I spent four hours on the People site flipping through fashion photos. No need for that. You have a great sense of style. You think? Yeah. I know what I’m talkin’ about. You don’t need fashion tips. Especially from some communist rag. Read more →

What you doing this weekend? Working on an app. Yeah? You should try my cachapas. Uh… alright. Did you make that in Android Studio? No. I make them on a hot griddle with a spatula. … Elite skills. Read more →