CABRASH

So the baby just gets put in a box? A cardboard box. … It’s best to be specific. Read more →

He’s using an Apple now. I bet it’s an SE. … You know. … If I had to guess. Read more →

So then, what did you do? I flushed it. You flushed it. I flushed it. … Ah. … And what about the giant sign that said “no foreign objects?” I checked. … “Made in America” – right there on the label. Read more →

I was reading this article… Apparently, radiation emitted by galaxies fuels the growth of supermassive black holes which, in time, consume entire solar systems. Wow. Woah. I know, right? … It’s like – is there anything Samsung can’t ruin? Read more →

Why would they create an entire currency for a imaginary super-powered dog? … Or am I crazy? … Hmm? … Answer me that. Read more →

Got the phone while you were on the pot. The Mulligan guy is coming at around ten tomorrow. “Culligan.” It’s “Culligan.” Mmm. Well – now I don’t know what to say. Read more →

So, what is this Switch thing about? The Switch? It’s just a long thin piece of hickory. Stamped on it, in red letters, is the word “Nintendo”. You apply a little oil to it – to keep it supple – and then take turns lashing one another with it, over and over and over. … Mmm. … It’ll probably do… Read more →

Apparently it got pretty bad. Demonstrations. Rioting. Looting. That’s sad. … What with the demonstrations and rioting – you probably couldn’t even hear the luting. Read more →

Maga-Pandon. Maga-Zetton. Maga-Jappa. All the terrible, inhuman monsters in the series begin with “Maga”. … Just sayin’. Read more →

You don’t have to be chic – you just have to act chic. And only for an hour or so. That’s all. Okay. … Like the condoms, right? Read more →

What’s this “Fifty Shades” flick about? Achromatopsia? What’s this “Fifty Shades” flick about? Welding fume exposure? What’s this “Fifty Shades” flick about? Bolesław Prus? It’ll– –be– –so– –good– –to– –see– –something– –with– –a– –real– –story! I– –just– –know– –it’s– –going– –to– –be– –great! Read more →

He’s a lot better swimmer than I thought he was. Yeah. He’s not bad. He hasn’t been doing it much lately, but he did a lot of swimming in the late seventies. I thought he was born in seventy-ni– … Oh. Read more →

You guys seem to get way more excited for Black History Month up here. … Every other person at the mall. … Roots splashed across their sweatshirt. … Good stuff. … Read more →

Have you listened to that Stik Figa album? The rhymes, Red! The rhymes! Huh. Who knew Rachel Zoe even rapped? Read more →

I actually ate a taco right before I came. Oh. … TMI, by the way. Read more →

Yeah. But what’s your favorite though? If you had to choose one. Umm… Probably Thai food. Ah. … Kinky. … You’re such a weirdo. Read more →

Hello — would you like to accept a collect call from — Peña Nieto? Nyet! Oh. … Pain? Yeah. Read more →

What’s with all the sweatpants lately? Henny-Penny – sweetie – you have no idea what I’ve done to myself. There was a jar. There was a pot. There was some hot water. Henny – under these sweatpants is a puffy, throbbing abomination. Okay. No need to brag. Read more →

What I discovered about this whole thing is that it’s hard to remain topical. Mmm. … You should probably speak with your dermatologist. Read more →

What do you think of this whole Trident thing? Oh, I don’t know. Seems like an awful lot of fuss over some gum. … Uh – hello? Missiles? Actually, I’ve found it’s usually right by the register. Read more →

F.Y.I., you can always backdate if you’re too drunk to post your comic tonight. Thanks, but that’ll never happen. Read more →