Author: Sandra Bareilles

So you’re going to ask him out? No. Not yet. I need more information first. Favorite food. Favorite color. Is he a cat person. You know, the important stuff. I’m in the intelligence gathering phase. Oh. Yeah. No. You definitely need that. Read more →

She studies protein structures. Ah. That’s a job? Yup. Wow. So then, she could maybe explain this whole One Direction thing to me? Read more →

I got them a monitor. Not the one on the registry. A fancy one with a video camera. Nice! I got them some baby bottles and a swaddling blanket. Ah. Not sure I like that. Annie, did you know that scientific studies say that swaddling, when done incorrectly, can cause hip problems in adulthood? Wow. So then – your parents… Read more →

So you’re, like, some sort of weird skeleton or… I’m a necromancer. Ah. So then – umm – what sort of depraved neck stuff are you into? Read more →

I don’t know. I know it sounds bad, but sometimes I feel like you have to look out for number one. I completely understand. … This one time, these dudes were drinking on the balcony directly above mine… Read more →

I, for one, am looking forward to Casey Affleck playing Batman. Uh – Yana… Casey. … Casey. Read more →

Things are going really well, but I don’t know if we’ll ever be like you guys. You complement each other so well. That may be true. Watch this. Bee, you’re looking particularly handsome today. Yana, that is a gorgeous dress you’re wearing. You have such good taste. So convincing, right? We practice lots. Read more →

Did you send me those Flash files? Yup. Should be in your inbox. … That’s very creative, but I really didn’t need to see that. Read more →

Did you hear the one about the crooked tailor who was lining his own pockets? Oh – honey – sorry. Jerry Lewis wants you to just stick to being pretty. Read more →

Those things were delicious. What are they called again? Picarones. Huh. And what was in them that gives them that flavor? Anise. Huh. Was it Sadie or Deion? Read more →

This was such a good idea! Thirty bucks each and we look just like Kara and Dualla! Dualla? I don’t know. She’s sort of petite – and you’re sort of an amazon. Yeah? Well – you have a smelly face! … I’m sorry. That’s not true. Your face smells lovely. Read more →

… Red! You’ve got to help me! I’ve got a horrible kink in my neck. Your neck is kinky? What should I do? Spank it a little? Ugh! Massage my neck, dummy! This is nearly as good. I’m tickling your funny bone. Read more →

This is crazy! Like – what – close to a foot? At least four feet. … Uh… Read more →

I think that’s a  pretty cool super power. Think of all the stuff you could do if you could alter your weight and density. Whatever. Anyone can do that. Just give me some protein powder and a couple of months. Boom. Done. Read more →

Which one do you want me to put in the meat sauce? Liver or ground chicken? Ground chicken? Trick question. The “ground chicken” is chicken that I found on the ground. Uh… backsies? Read more →

  Movie? Yes!   I call the recliner! I call the sofa! I call… umm…   The toilet?   Eventually, one of you will want to switch. Read more →

What exactly is it that we’re playing here? This? This is “Dragon Ball Z: Budokai”. It’s a game about a kung-fu expert slash super-powered astro-monkey who must defend the universe from power-hungry androids and space aliens alike. Ah. I see. Mmm-hmm. It’s based on a true story. Read more →