Author: Sandra Bareilles

I think I need a Wet-Nap. This takes me right back to our grade school slumber parties. Read more →

Karen O? She added the “o” to stir up compassion for some implied financial plight. I really don’t thi– Did you buy her album? … Right. Read more →

If I had to choose one? Teemu Selänne. Huh. Well… I suppose that’s better than team Hitler. Read more →

Did you read any of those articles about Xi Jinping’s proposed naval expansion? He’s not the sort I’d expect to rock belly jewelry but – you know – to each his own. Read more →

So it’s root, root, root for the home team! If they don’t win it’s a shame… … That’s all I know. … Not even sure what sport it’s about, but I’m assuming the “home team” all had Androids. Read more →

If you were to marry Darren, your new surname would be “Small”. Then, if you had a girl, you could give her the first name “Theresa” and the middle name “Mildred”. That way, she would always remember she was once just an infant. … Even smaller than that to start. Read more →

What were you guys talking about before I got here? Vera Wang. Ah. Yeah. I dated a guy with that problem. It didn’t work out. He was kind of warped. … Sorry. … He was very warped. Read more →

I’ve got it all planned out. You know what they say, right? No pain, no gain. But you’re just sittin’ here playin’ Dr. Mario. It’s been, like, four hours. Yeah, but I took a ton of pain killers. A ton. Read more →

What are you doing tomorrow? Watching The Purge. I have my ex’s laptop, KillDisk, and little sense of perspective. … Read more →

Ayo… what you bringin’ to the potluck, Sandy? A platter of cured meats. Cool. Really nice of you to cure ’em before you feed ’em to us. Prosciutto? No… amateur-sciutto. Also, pastrami. Way, way past. Read more →

So Mickey’s just carryin’ a bat around. Seth asks him why he’s carryin’ a bat around and, as it turns out, it’s for exactly what you’d think it’s for. Smashin’ dudes. Mmm. You know, you’re no altar boy yourself. Don’t see what that’s got to do with anythin’. Plus, if I got hit that many times I’d probably get work done… Read more →

Do you have ESPN, peaches? I have the latter, and, I guess, you have the former? Okay. What am I thinking of right now? … … You’re right! I’m not thinking of anything! Simply amazing. Read more →

They served them flipper pie. Can you believe that? … Sandy? Sorry… what? I said “flipper pie”. The trick is to grease the pan so that you never have to do that. I’m trying to express myself and you’re not even listening. … Sandy? I hear you. I’ll just warn you now that that’ll take a lot of postage. Read more →

Old Navy had some good stuff, but I love Baby Gap. That’s good – ’cause I don’t think we’re going to be closin’ in on India any time soon. Read more →

Ayo, what’s this part even mean? What the heck’s a “antimatter stream” anyway? I think it’s clear enough. In the year 2350, bald-headed Frenchmen will command galaxy-class starships powered by gossip blogs. … Yo… the future is amazing. Read more →

It’s an evening class I’m taking on horticulture. Just rent Pretty Woman. It’ll tell you everything you need to know. Read more →

Are you going to come root for us tomorrow? Watch a half marathon? I’ve seen people run before. It’s not exciting unless bulls are chasing them. Lucky for you, I own a Taurus. Read more →

She’s actually thinking of getting her a geography tutor. Really? I’d recommend a Prindiville Electric Hummer. No. Wait. Let’s not play this game. Read more →

… Hey! Hey! Hey! Uh? Hey! Hey! Hey? It’s… It’s… … Uh… Read more →

Red? Tell me everything you know about neutron stars. Garrett Hedlund’s from Minnesota and Olivia Wilde is a vegan. I think that’s all. Read more →

It was just hand sanitizer, but in bold text on the label it said “for external use only”. I mean, I’m no doctor – but just in case. Read more →