Author: Henrietta Krusen

I don’t get it. He dumped her, but he’s been sitting around moping all day every day. You never miss the water till the well runs dry. Uh – I don’t think it’s that. She’s still young, so I think – like – all her bits were still working and that. Read more →

So… what you doing this weekend? Mowing the lawn. That’ll probably eat up most of Saturday. Right. Right. I get it. It’s like – a euphemism for – you know. Wow. No. No it isn’t. I’m actually mowing the lawn. Oh. Huh. … … Why would you think that would take me most of Saturday? Read more →

You want to get some food? What? I asked if you want to get some food. Ah. Yeah. Umm – I think I need to get my ear flushed again. I can’t hear anything on my right. …   I’m going to tell everyone you have “mono”.   What?   Nothin’. Read more →

I was helping Allen with his tuxedo and there seemed to be a lot of redundant fasteners on the pants. Like – a lot. Two buttons, two hooks, suspenders, and those little straps at the hips? What exactly is it that they think is going to happen? People drink a lot at weddings. I think they have the right idea.… Read more →

It was good, but it was so sad when Uncle Ben died. I have no idea what you’re talking about – but I can see why you would say that. Read more →

It’s going to be quite a bash. There’s going to be a live band and a open bar. Do you know what an open bar is? Uh… An open bar is just a pipe. Just… a pipe. … We haven’t even left yet, but you’re cut off. Read more →

The guy was walking me through the different options and kept on repeating “our members”. Also, there was a poster on the wall behind him with the owner or CEO or something with the caption “every day I’m inspired by our members”. I pretty much just sat there giggling the whole time. The guy thought I was nuts. “Our staff… Read more →

What’s with all the bullion in your kitchen? My horoscope said “invest in stock”. So here we are. … Just kidding! We’re having grilled teriyaki shrimp tacos! … I liked it better when I thought you were insane. Read more →

What’s the good word, my friend? Umm? Bamboozle? No. Wait. Wait. Circumvent. Majestic! Conglomerated! Indubitably! Intrinsic! Oh — god — getting — dizzy. Read more →

What? You two aren’t coming? Nah… but we’ll be there in spirit. We’ve been mastering astral projection! Please put out some booster seats for our non-corporeal states. Read more →

Sharapova was lookin’ really good out there! Don’t you think? My god! What? It was pure slaughter! She lost in straight sets! Still… she looked really good. Read more →

We are “Ben” and “Hen”. Did you ever notice that before? Not really. No. But I did notice, once, that we’re “Hen” and “Ben”. Umm… My greatest virtue is my modesty. Read more →

 So… what’s up? Things haven’t been going well at work. They had to let me go yesterday. God! That’s horrible! Really? No… but I’ve been practicing lying a lot. … I think I’m getting really good at it! Read more →